The “How to be a Man” speech featured in written form:

How to be a MAN: splitting firewood with your face and other manly skills.

Say manly things.
In fact, insert MAN into everything you say. It’s not that hard, man. There are plenty of manly words to diversify your manabulary. For example: MANCORE. It’s like a manticore, but manlier. Try to shout MANCORE after every manly thing you do, which is probably all the time, and then some. DoMANate conversations with words like “MANDALOR; MANDACULOUS; mandar; mandate; MANDETTA; mandible; mandlebars; comMANdo; MANDRUFF; mandurable, MANd.” Don’t be confused if someone shits their pants. Real men have that effect.

Brag about EVERYTHING.
I’ve never cock slapped a shark but I brag about it all the time. And I’m so manificent, the world physically changes to fit my point of view. SO BRAG. If someone catches you in a lie, mount their genitals on a spear as a warning to others.

I’ve con-cock-ted some phrases to get your ginormous balls rolling:
“My girlfriend started whining about her ex so I THREW her off a MOUNTAIN.”
“Sorry I’m late to class, I was too busy clubbing a bear to death WITH MY SCHLONG.”

HIT something.
Be it a puppy, a nanny, or another man. Then throw it. Ever see Judo? They throw stuff all the time. PELVIS SOMETHING. Don’t want to get up? Throw VERBAL ABUSE. Don’t know what to say? Get equipped. READ a DICK-TIONARY. Pick something up, then drop it, then drag it in front of people it loves, and pee on it! Which brings me to my next point.

PEE on EVERYTHING.
Pee in your toilet. Pee in the bushes. Pee on your foot. Pee on your girlfriend’s foot. Pee on alligators. Pee in space. Pee on someone else’s pee. DO IT. Where you’re going to pee next should be a constant discussion between you and your other man friends.

Finally: Facial hair isn’t fashion, it’s LIFE.
Don’t grow a mustache. Grow two mustaches. DOUBLESTACHE. Use the additional mustache as a boomerang to destroy your enemies. If you can’t grow a stache (mortal) staple a moose to your face. Failing that, I’m sorry dude. Your manship has sailed. Mustachery offers men a mantheon of heroes. Mustachateers. Without one, YOU LOSE.

In conclusion:
You should be a man by now. Your balls are dragging two feet behind you, people are vaulted backwards by your presence, and your very scent causes women to keel over pregnant. This is GOOD. Your children will be armstrong doublestached MANstrosities like yourself. They will probably track you down later in life and stab you with a trident while you laugh gloriously. HA HA HA! For that’s the natural order of being a man. GET USED TO IT.